Trips to the bathroom have become increasingly difficult over the past several months. Not public bathrooms. The bathroom that I can see from where I am sitting on the couch. I never thought that I would have to plan a strategy in order to go number two. The winning strategy? Poop during the toddler’s nap time. Let’s get real though, sometimes it just cannot wait. Sometimes I’m lucky if I can make it through the time it takes waiting outside with both kids for Gavin’s school bus- yes, that few minutes of my morning can often be the most stressful.
So, there are a few things that I can do to possibly, maybe, make pooping a little easier. The reality is that if the little one is awake, I absolutely do not get to poop alone.
I have this awesome nanny called Moana. Sometimes my other babysitter, the Lion King stops by as well. Hopefully, one of them is able to keep things in order for ten minutes. These two have about a fifty percent chance of keeping little Tanner out of the bathroom and out of trouble. Before I become a mommy, I used to promise to the perfect parent gods that I would never let these types of nannies into my house. Never ever.
My crazy toddler basically only tolerates sitting in his high chair for very short periods of time and only for meals. Otherwise he starts screeching like a freaking banshee and makes life miserable until he is removed from the high chair. If the mommy-poop strikes when Tanner is eating, I simply wheel his high chair to the doorway of the bathroom, throw some extra Goldfish crackers onto his tray and hope I can finish pooping before he finishes his food. Or before he decides to throw his food all over the floor and walls. The success rate of the high chair nanny is pretty high, pending the circumstances are ideal.
Sometimes, there is no time for any of that. This may be due in part to the tremendous amounts of coffee I drink throughout the day. When I try to make a run for it, no matter how quietly I try to open that squeaky bathroom door, the little feet come running as well. I cannot just lock him out, either. If I were to do that, the little monkey would be climbing up the kitchen counters or tearing the whole place to the ground. So I have to lovingly welcome him to my poop time with open arms.
There are some toys and books kept in the bathroom. These were strategically placed in hope that I could poop in peace. I sure find myself hoping and wishing for a lot of things, it seems. Apparently, toys have no appeal to the toddler when there is a mini Sephora spread across the bathroom counter. Sometimes, a mommy learns the hard way when the poop is falling out and the Naked eye shadow pallet is just out of reach. The mini Sephora counter has since been relocated up onto a shelf. I have tried to offer old broken eye shadow pans, crappy little sample tubes, and brushes that have seen better days. The little devil knows that my peace offering is in fact not the real deal, not the good stuff. In an effort of rebellion on his part, he does not try to mimic my makeup application by using a brush to apply. Rather, he finds it necessary to dig his little fingernails into the darkest shade and then play a little imaginary keyboard on the white bathroom counter. Happy as can be with a look of fire in his eyes. You may be sitting there asking yourself why I would let him continue to do such a thing? It prevents him from trying to stick his hands past my thighs and into the doo doo water. I would rather clean makeup off of his hands than my own shit. And my counter wipes clean in just seconds. If you are searching for the perfect mom idol, look somewhere else. Search far, far away.
We celebrate winning small little victories in this house. Being able to take an extended poop break during the kid’s nap time? That’s called the ultimate mom win.